I’m trying to have fun. Just play the game…

Not worried about if I get hurt or not, well see how everything goes.

sincerely,

<3navy

Life gets better from here.

And that I do learn from my mistakes.

And understand my actions.

Cus I want to be worth something,

Nothing Temporary.

Sincerely,

<3 Navy

I’m just another Booty call.

…and man that hurts.

Same old shit, Same old routine.

-Things will never change and I will always be the “friend.”

Not good enough for a girlfriend.

Sincerely,

<3Navy Chan

I fear of being alone.

I just miss the feeling of butterflies. The way a hand felt in mine. A sweet kiss.

A heartbreak is never easy to heal from nor when they leave you for someone else.

but I fear to wake up every single day knowing that I have to face the world today by myself.

I wish sometimes that someone would see past my weight, my size, my looks and just get to know me without worrying about what people would think.

For now, I’m content and its whatever…

I’ve changed Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and my heart still longs for someone.

I’m scared to be hurt, feel hurt.  I just want everything to feel okay and that I’m going to survive tomorrow.

at the end of the day. I’m alone and slowly lookin for ways to improve me. So far. Nothing!

I just smile and pretend that nothings wrong. And look forward to the next day

Fireworks <3

I want that feeling of butterfilies, Seeing sparks everywhere.

I heard an ex got a new girl and a big reality check came crashing down.

I know I hurt him when he came back from basic training and heard I had a new man in my life, I know he was upset. He didn’t show it or need to tell me but I felt anger.

After that, the one I was dating just happen to meet someone else and leave.

Don’t need to feel bad or sorry just stupid.

I realized I hurt him and karma came and hurt me. He was the best I did ever have and he will always remain the best summer love of 09’.

People are changing and I’m still stuck in this world called fantasy.

I need to get up and make a change in my life and be with the people that wanna be with me.

So in the end people change, and I need to change too. Good or bad either way people change…

Sincerely,

<3 Navy Chan

Last weekend was not my weekend. I notice that every weekend the past month has not been any good ones. I feel like I’m trying, to fit in, to make time, to be happy. I apologize for everything, I’m to nice and allow to be a push-over towards everything.

-I’m sorry I work a lame job

-I’m sorry I don’t ever get to do fun things with you guys

-Sorry if I over react about every little thing

-Sorry I take everything so personally

-Sorry that I cry about everything little thing

-Sorry I can’t be up to your level

-And A big fucken sorry for standing up for my self

I was asked ” why I don’t respect you?” First off when was I ever respected? All those slaps to the head, those words that always put me down, telling me constantly I was fat and never good enough. so I ask Why should I respect anyone? I was told the same thing over and over again. And still earning my diploma, having a decent job, getting my license. Still everything isn’t good enough. No matter if everyone tells me im pretty, and that Im worth everything, and that i’m a good person. I will always remain unhappy!

My whole life I was put down, picked on, compared to everyone. so why am I still here? still living to see tomorrow, still trying to find some ounce of happiness somewhere. Thinking that having family will make everything better, the friends that I’ve grown up all my life with will make everything better. At this moment, this very moment, I came to the reality of it.. its not enough. I don’t deserve much but all I ask for is some sort of happiness, sweet bliss, and no more tears. But im constantly crying…

I saw how happy everyone was, saw the smiles, heard the stories. Those are you guys memories. I know I can’t be included in everything cus I have other priorities to attend to but what can I do. I don’t get everything handed to me like everyone does. I don’t have a good job like everyone else does. I work to earn something to get to places to see them. I try hard to prove everything to earn something. Yeah my brother is there and is willing to pay and I appreciate everyone for what they done. But still everything doesn’t seem to be enough in everyones eyes and its pushes me to see that everything else in my life isn’t good enough.

So I sit here, crying. Contemplating on what my next move is. and I still have no answer.

I don’t ever want to think what tomorrow is going to be like. I’m still living out today and obviously life isn’t working out for me. I wish I didn’t exist… 

Cus maybe I won’t have the pressure to skip work and spend a day with the family, maybe my parents won’t constantly tell me im not good enough and stop comparing me to my sister.  Maybe my parent won’t have had to waste money on me, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken by reckless ex’s over and over again, Maybe I wouldn’t have to work a depressing job.

MAYBE if I was gone, Us, we, everyone wouldn’t have to deal with me.

<3 sincerely,

-navy

Today I graduate. To see myself make it this far and it finally paying off makes me feels on top of the world.

Please let today be a good day! Today is my day. Just let me have this moment!

Fuck man! I’m getting my diploma!

<3 Sincerely,

-Navy